What
is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or
things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue,
save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
*
Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an
over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept
that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and
maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously
given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing
of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly
enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop
your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free
to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be
led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to
maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative
results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things
in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a
need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of
life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as
not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a
reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for
accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love
and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead
to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they
"really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being
hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly
dependent or enmeshed with you.
What are the
negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people,
places or things, then you:
* Will have people, places or things which become
over-dependent on you.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for
people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
* Can
become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be
imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you
experience from people, places or things.
* Will most probably become
powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you
have given the power to control you.
* Will be blind to the reality that the
people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and
unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping
individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness
which these people, places or things project.
* Might become caught up with
your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things
important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the
risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low
self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and
following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a
person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of
the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that
the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing your
autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the
unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or
thing.
How is detachment a control
issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:
* It is a way of
de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to
strengthen your internal "locus of control."
* If you are not able to detach
emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either
profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to
"keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the
inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
* If you are not
able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over
this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
* You might be
mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence
of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or
coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself
or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an
addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or
thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by
another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave
them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places
or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely
divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless"
and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them
to meet the image of your ideal for them.
* Although you will still have
feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become
detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on
their own merit, power, control and responsibility.
* It allows every person,
place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal
responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear
of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.
What irrational thinking leads to an inability to
detach?
* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without
you?
* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued
involvement.
* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You
must stay involved to avoid this.
* You would feel so guilty if anything bad
should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
* They
are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a
crime.
* You need them as much as they need you.
* You can't control
yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will
detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
* They have
so many problems, they need you.
* Being detached seems so cold and aloof.
You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100
percent all the way or no way at all.
* If you should let go of this
relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream
you want them to be.
* How can being detached from them help them? It seems
like you should do more to help them.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds
so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a
relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others.
It seems so unnatural.
* You never want anybody in a relationship to be
emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for
others?
* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and
one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your
life.
* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good
relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering,
problems and troubles.
* When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their
"pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
* When you see people in
trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them
solve the problems.
* When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step
in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.
* You should never
question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in
dire need of help.
* You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world
in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
* You can never "give
too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of
those whom you love and cherish.
* No matter how badly your loved ones hurt
and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in
help and support.
* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy
of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love
them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.
How to Develop Detachment
In order to become
detached from a person, place or thing, you need
to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you
and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or
dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings
from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect
your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over" to your
Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed
but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a
commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself
and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is
yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix,
change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to
believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal
or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor
see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to
be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order
for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs
changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as
your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own
unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons,
places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling
are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your
relationship to persons, places and things.
Tenth:
Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are
"irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them
honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in
your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and
other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your
life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to
correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which
you have no control or power to change.
Steps
in Developing Detachment
Step 1: It is important to
first identify those people, places and things in your life from which you would
be best to develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal,
physical, emotional and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the
following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal if any of
the people, places or things in your life fit any of the following 20
categories.
Types of Toxic Relationships
* You find it hard to let go
of because it is addictive.
* The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
* Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
* Punitive or abusive to
you.
* Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
* Smothering you.
* Other is overly dependent on you.
* You are overly dependent on the
other.
* Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.
*
Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer or enabler.
*
Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.
* Other appears helpless, lost and out of control.
* Other is
self-destructive or suicidal.
* Other has an addictive disease.
*
Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.
* When guilt is
a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.
*
Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come
around and change to be what you want.
* Relationship in which you and the
other are competitive for control.
* Relationship in which there is no
forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one
another.
* Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.
Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places and things you have
a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work
through the following steps.
Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in
the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these
beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.
Step 4:
Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional
and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.
Step 5:
Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place or thing is "sick,"
dysfunctional or irrational, and that no matter what you say, do or demand you
will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only
one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the
unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better
than what they really are. Hand these people, places or things over to your
Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.
Step 6: Work out
reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally
detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of
the emotional "hooks" in the relationship.
Step 7: Affirm yourself as
being a person who "deserves" healthy, wholesome, health-engendering
relationships in your life. You are a good person and deserve healthy
relationships, at home, work and in the community.
Step 8: Gain support
for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional enmeshment with these
relationships.
Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the
strength to continue to let go and detach.
Step 10: Continue to give no
person, place or thing the power to affect or impact your feelings about
yourself.
Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at
self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.
"Letting Go"
* To
"let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone
else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't
control another.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from
natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or
blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care
for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be
supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human
being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go" is not to be
protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to
deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead
to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to
criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
*
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as
it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love
myself more.
