Married to Shadows

Our marriage was failing, I knew that.  I had felt the separation between us for a long time, but I didn't know what the cause was.  When I married my husband he had a past and I was aware of the struggles he had with Meth.  He had lost a business and the business failure and subsequent marriage broke him.  He fell in to the wrong crowd and was introduced to the drug by a man named Stu*.  Quickly his life had spiraled out of control and he ended up in prison with a 5 year sentence that he knocked down to 2 for good behavior.  He went straight to a sober living house and went through the intensive program.  When I met my husband he had been sober for 3 years.  He had a respectable job and was well respected in his company.  He was a great father to his two children and a great friend.  When he told me his past I was shocked, it seemed surreal that he could have experienced that in his life, he just didn't fit into my concept of what a "druggie" looked like or how they acted.  He was hansom, clean cut and respectable.  I had a tremendous respect for him and what he had been through and I felt he was such a strong person to go through all of that and be such a great guy now.  Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine what our life would become and what my husband was capable at the hands of such a terrible drug.

Four years later we bought our first house together.  We were pregnant with our last child a baby girl.  We found a small "starter" home for two late starters in life.  A little fixer upper that carried a lot of hope and a lot of dreams, and a lot of pressure.  Almost instantly we started having problems when we moved in.  The baby girl was an unexpected pregnancy and we had a young 16 month old baby boy and our blended family now would total five children.  We had discovered our pregnancy while in escrow.  My husband started to feel like he couldn't provide for his family.  Three in daycare, a new house with brand new house payments, child support payments...they were all adding up to a giant obligation.  My husband was now working two jobs out of fear of the impending birth.  I was still working myself but we had moved further from both of our jobs in order to afford to own a home.

One day while working in the yard down the street walked temptation.  Stu, the very man that had introduced my husband to the drug all those years before was walking down our sidewalk on his way to back from buying drugs.  My husband now says that when he saw him, he new instantly that he was going to use. Why he didn't run the other way I will never know.  Something inside of him believed that he had beat the drug and that he could use just once to get all of his projects done that weekend and that was it.  He was so wrong.

I knew nothing of it.  I was introduced to Stu that day and I remember having a feeling of mistrust when I met him. He kept in shadows and never made eye contact with me.  I remember thinking that was strange, but I just chalked it up to shyness.

Fast forward 10 months and our marriage was a mess.  Our daughter had been born and had colic.  I was the only thing in the world that made her feel better and so I was tethered to her.  She didn't want to be held by anyone and the constant stress of the crying and my subsequent postpartum depression cut through the house like a knife.  We didn't know Christ then and I couldn't understand what was happening.  My husband never wanted to be around me.  He stayed in his garage, stayed up late every night didn't want to come to bed with me.  He was short tempered, cold and so easy to anger.  As soon as he got angry he would leave. His long nights out became over night stays and we fought constantly.  I was getting more and more angry and started to become violent breaking things and throwing things out of frustration.  Nothing I said or did registered with him, he didn't care.  I figured it must of been my problem, I was such a terrible wife.  I was exhausted all the time and I didn't keep up my looks, I was heavily burdened with the kids and the condition of the house and my depression deepened and deepened to a such a point that I didn't want to keep living.

My own personal salvation came on a day I just couldn't handle my life anymore.  Suddenly I realized that everything I had tried to do to change my life and marriage wasn't working.  I had no other option but to surrender and so I did, through utter and complete pain I asked God for forgiveness.  I asked him to take over my life and I apologized for wasting the life that he had given me.  It was that day that I felt God for the first time, like a big warm hug, hold me and I suddenly felt relieved of the pain.  It was a month later that I convinced my family to start going to church and I drug my husband reluctantly with me.  He criticized everything and everyone including me.  It was 3 weeks later that God revealed the truth to me.  I asked God for him to show me what was wrong in my marriage.  I was expecting character flaws to be honest.  I was expecting to see my imperfections, my impatience, my pride, my slothfulness.  Something in me that was wrong that was causing these problems between us.  It was like being married to the shadow of the man I had fallen in love with.  He was simply not the same person.  Ask and it shall be given to you, God revealed the real truth.

One day he spoke to me and it was the most surreal feeling but I knew that it was God's voice because it was so outside of me.  He told me to get up and check a place that my husband said he was at.  I had never in my life done that.  It was completely out of character for me to even question something like that and certainly not like me to go "looking" for my husband.  I argued with God that night, but he told me even more urgently, "Go now!"  So I left and my husband was not where he said he was and in a very long sequence of events that ended in the police searching my home, I discovered the truth.  That night he revealed his use to me, he also revealed a relationship he was in with another woman and all of the sins that come in a life of drugs.  I was shocked, dumbfounded really.  I didn't, couldn't even react.  God filled me with strength that I never knew I had.  I literally felt him fill me up and a sought his word and I prayed hard and he told me to stay.  He told me to stay in this marriage because he had great things planned for me.  He also told me it wasn't over that it wouldn't be for a long time.  My husband got clean and I thought we were on the road of recovery.  My naivety of the drug and the full spectrum of addiction gave me hope that he had gotten clean.  Quickly I discovered the depth of addiction and how twisted it really can make a person in an attempt to protect itself.

I had a huge burden of my own to deal with my husbands infidelity wasn't an easy thing to deal with.  It hurt and tore me up inside, I had every right to leave and I questioned why God wanted to me stay.  I was even angry at God.  Why would he give all this pain to me?  I hated this other woman.  I wanted physically to hurt her and my hate twisted me in ways that I didn't know was even capable.  I had been betrayed, I was a victim, I had done nothing wrong and yet I was in tremendous heart breaking pain.  The pain and hurt of the affair caused even more guilt and shame in my husband and he started using again in order to avoid seeing what a mess he had made.  It left me alone and I felt I was in an invisible box.  Anyone I turned to for help had no idea what to tell me, everyone that did have a voice told me to just leave or they stood back in quiet judgement.  It really is called heartbreak for a reason, but I know now that my heart breaking was the beginning of a new better God given heart.  My heart before was full of doubt and pain that I carried with me even in my new found faith.  I kept turning to the Bible for help.  It spoke to me every time I opened it and so I read it for hours everyday trying to fill myself up with it.  Then I found a scripture on forgiveness.  If I expected to be forgiven I had to forgive.  That day I contacted the other woman and I forgave her.  I told her I didn't need her to accept, but I needed her to know that I forgave her and that from that day forward I would never contact her again.  I then prayed for her and it hurt I cried through the whole prayer and it felt like I was tugging it out of me.  I instantly felt the pain removed.  I felt lighter, happier and stronger.  Suddenly I had the power to move forward and I felt my heart renewed.  Forgiveness is a gift and I now that I see it I understand the impact of Jesus' death on the cross for our forgiveness and how powerful it really is.

The story is far from over.  There were more hurts and more pains.  Addiction really is like a demon.  It really twists and takes over.  When my husband battles it I see it twist his mind and I know that somewhere deep inside is the man I married, the man that I fell in love with and I see his pain and I see his own self hatred that motivates him to keep turning.  I see the pain in his eyes and his efforts and his failures and I keep loving anyway.  I'm far from perfect I struggle, I am human and have emotions, some days I feel more than others, but I always in the end turn to God for strength and keeps moving me forward and giving me glimpses of hope and I know that I am loved and I know I am being perfected.  I know that my experiences are not unique, even though I felt so alone.  I know others who have gone down the same road and the cycles of addiction impact everyone the same.  The backdrop may change, but the feelings are all cemented and shred in a commonality.

I firmly believed that no one who loves unconditionally and who, knowing all that is ahead of them, makes a choice to stay and fight should ever experience the loneliness, self-doubt and pain of addiction alone.  I didn't make a choice to include addiction in my life, but I did make a choice to fight for a loved one and it is an ugly battle.  I hope my experiences and what I'm learning and have learned impact others and encourage others. If only one person is encouraged through my battle to love than I've served a purpose.

Thank you for letting me share.

*Name changed